Margo: Can you tell us a bit about yourself?

Delroy: I am a father of three children, and husband of one wife. I am in my late fifties and have been married for twenty-nine (29) years.

Margo: What do you like most about being a father?

Delroy: I like when we are all together, whether we are on the road or at home. I also like being at their games as their number one supporter, and I like when we go on vacation.

Margo: What has been the most challenging thing about being a father?

Delroy: One of the most challenging things about being a father is to exercise tough love. I just don’t have it in me to be tough on them.

Margo: What has been the biggest lesson(s) you’ve learnt about being a father?

Delroy: One of the biggest lessons I have learnt about being a father is loving my children equally without having or showing favouritism. I also learnt patience and tolerance, and how to slow down and listen.

Margo: How has your own childhood influenced your fathering?

Delroy: My childhood influenced me to be present in my children’s life as I didn’t have much of my father in mine. I also try to give my children some of the things I would have liked to get when I was growing up; that is, things that my mother could not afford.

Margo: What do you think is/are the biggest misconception(s) about Jamaican fathers and what about Jamaican fathers do you want people to know?

Delroy: Most Jamaican fathers are thought of as missing in action and lazy. This is not generally the case as they are sometimes not given a fair chance to contribute to the life of their child/children. I would like people to know that Jamaican fathers can be very supportive in the home as a mother would be.

 Margo: As a new father, have you felt like you needed support? If so, where do you turn to for that support?

Delroy: As a new father, I needed and got support from family, particularly, from my mother-in-law who moved in with us for a few weeks. This was very invaluable.

Margo: Do you think fathers are getting the support they need or do we need to do more as a society to support fathers? If fathers need support, how can we do better as a society to support them?

Delroy: It is difficult to know if fathers get meaningful support. However, I think they will accept any support given; most fathers desire to be good fathers. I believe fathers, or men on a whole, believe financial support is their biggest contribution and if they are not able to financially support the home they sometimes wilt under pressure and disappear.

If you have enjoyed this interview or any of the other two in this series, please leave a comment and let us know your thoughts. Thank you for visiting!

The post Perspectives on Fatherhood – Part 3 appeared first on Childhood Central.

Thank you for taking part in this series on fatherhood and sharing your perspective with Childhood Central.

Margo: Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Miguel: Well, I’m a fun-loving person. I have a good sense of humour, and I like to put a twist on things; I like to even dig joy from a funeral. I like to even make a mannequin laugh. I tend to look at things a bit differently from the average person. I like nature, music, and poetry.

Margo: What do you like most about fatherhood?

Miguel: Ah, it’s the mere fact that there is no one in this world who authentically loves me more than my child. It’s a joy to just come home and have my child running to me like I’m her hero.

Margo: What has been the most challenging thing about fatherhood?

Miguel: I worry when I send my child to school. I worry if she’s going to come back in one piece or if she’s ever going to come back home at all. I wish I could be there to protect her, you know, being in her classroom like a guardian angel just to protect her, guide her, tell her when, where, and how.

Margo: What has been the biggest lesson(s) you’ve learnt from fatherhood?

Miguel: One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that there is a difference between a man and a boy. I have really learnt that when you are a father, a parent, you tend to make sacrifices and you understand the true meaning of sacrifice as a father.

Margo: I just want to go back a little to where you said there is a big difference between a man and a boy, what do you mean by that?

Miguel: A boy is basically a child who thinks of childish things and has childish ways and childish responsibilities that he doesn’t really care about. When you are a man, you have to step up to the table and do mature stuff.

Margo: Would you say that fatherhood somehow brought you into your manhood?

Miguel: Yes. It took an interesting twist because it brought out that father inside me that wasn’t so strong before.

Margo: How has your own childhood influenced your fathering?

Miguel: Based on my upbringing, how my mother brought us up, and my experiences as a child, what I experienced, I don’t want any of that for my child. I don’t want that. I want to ensure that she gets a proper education. I also want to instil in her some good values and I think teachers don’t have the time to do all of that; I think it starts from home.

Fatherhood has taught me how to be humble, be a go-getter, and it pushes me to go out there because I have a reason for living and a reason for working. If I could relive my life, what I know now if I knew then – maybe at forty I would be retiring instead of, you understand?

Margo: What do you think is/are the biggest misconception(s) about Jamaican fathers, and what about Jamaican fathers do you want people to know?

Miguel: One of the big misconceptions is that Jamaican fathers don’t really care and that they just want to have children all over the place – like it’s more for bragging rights rather than paying attention to the damage they have caused. I have seen good fathers out here, and we have to focus on the fathers, not the ones that we call sperm donors.

I have seen good fathers, excellent fathers. I see many men every day on the worksite, the reason they are there is not because they want to work, they have responsibilities, and they are working because of the children. So I would say that that’s a good look. There are a lot of good fathers. There are a lot of unsung heroes.

Margo: As a new father, have you felt like you needed support? If so, where do you turn to for that support?

Miguel: To be honest, I’m so fatherly inclined and aware and I got a lot of teachings because I wasn’t a young father. I’ve learnt so much; it’s like I have a diploma. I did not have much of a challenge or needed that much support. I am the father now, and I have to step up to the plate. Where I find a challenge, however, is between my partner and me.

We have different views on certain things. I tend to be overprotective of my child because you always have to keep an eye on children. They are new humans trying to explore, and they don’t know the dos and don’ts.

So in a way, you have to be their remote control, so to speak. I always ensure that my child walks on the straight and narrow. So while I’m overprotective, my partner’s approach is a bit more relaxed, and we sometimes clash in that regard.

Margo: Do you think fathers are getting the support they need or do we need to do more as a society to support fathers? If fathers need support, how can we do better as a society to support them?

Miguel: Sometimes, I think dialogue is necessary. It would help to ask some out-of-the-box questions that people shy away from asking fathers because maybe they think it’s too personal. Sometimes, as men, we are too silent but having conversations is very good; questions are very good because that’s how we learn. Don’t be judgmental; just have a good dialogue with fathers.

Margo: Do you think that a lot of fathers need support but they are not being approached with what their concerns might be and so are not getting the help that they need?

Miguel: Yes, and what happens is that not every man can work out their issues by maybe having a counsellor or someone that they look up to because we all have different personalities. A good approach is to get a feel for the person and try to understand them before you begin that dialogue. It also helps to be down-to-earth; just be flexible and approachable when you talk to them.

Trust me, conversations are good because I have so many friends, and I am the one they turn to. You would be surprised by what men are going through. We are not angels, you know. Men are going through so much, and we do not talk about it; that is why sometimes we punch walls. I also think women who can get to the level of men by being down-to-earth can also reason with them.

Margo: Don’t you think men respond better to other men in terms of opening up and talking? As a father, you are all on the same level, and because of that, they would be more open to you than a female.

Miguel: Well, females are just one aspect of it. Let’s say, a roots brethren just sit and have a reason with them, like a corner reasoning with maturity. I think that is another way, maybe the super way. I have spoken to many fathers, my brethren, and I have been able to get a lot of things out of them.

So both women and men can support fathers, and sometimes a mix of age groups can work too. The important thing is that the person needs to be authentic and can sit down and hold a reason. Men are more likely to open up if they feel comfortable with the person they are talking to.

Another point is that sometimes people just want to talk and express themselves; if that person smokes, don’t tell them that you won’t speak to them if they are smoking, you know what I mean? If a man is smoking and he wants to express himself to you, don’t make a big deal of it.

At that moment he’s there talking to you because it is important to create a non-judgmental atmosphere so that the person can be themselves and be comfortable. If you’re going to get something out of them, I think you can allow yourself to be uncomfortable for that moment.

What did you think of Miguel’s perspectives? Do you agree? Leave a comment and tell us your thoughts.

The post Perspectives of Fatherhood: What Does it Mean to Be a Father? appeared first on Childhood Central.

Today’s interview is with Kristofferson Nunes. Kristofferson is a UWI graduate and a 27-year-old entrepreneur and a father of one. He lives in Kingston with his partner.

Margo: Can you tell us a bit about yourself?

Kristofferson: I’m adaptable, patient and understanding. That’s it, in a nutshell. We all have complexities in ourselves, and I think we have a lot of different passions. For example, growing up, I wanted to be a pilot, then a doctor, then an architect; it was all over the place, but then I realized that’s me.

Margo: What do you like most about being a father?

Kristofferson: I like just seeing the world from his eye level, his perspective, and seeing things that he might fear that I overlook. His growth is very fascinating to me and that’s what I enjoy the most, you know, looking at how time really passes from a child’s perspective.

Margo: What has been the most challenging thing about being a father?

Kristofferson: I think the most challenging thing would be relaxing my ego because now I’m trying to help somebody. Your ego will try to protect you, your pride, and stuff. As males, we tend to have a huge ego but growing a young man or girl, a child; takes humility.

It takes selflessness, and that means putting my ego aside. And if you’re not self-aware, it will be challenging. I think most men’s challenge is not being self-aware. For me, it’s challenging in the sense that the world is fast-paced, but fatherhood shows me one side, how I’m supposed to take the world.

It’s really about slowing down in those moments where time is spent, not trying to get to the next and the next because those moments pass by so quickly. If you sit down and appreciate those moments, you realise that for a young child, their world is very slow.

I think for us as men, the challenge is finding balance. It’s a balance between what I know is good for his world like putting food on the table and having my own hobbies but not neglecting my responsibilities at home, the responsibilities that I have bestowed on myself.

Margo: What has been the biggest lesson(s) you’ve learnt about being a father?

Kristofferson: I think the biggest lesson is listening more, trying to listen more to what’s going on around me because I may not have all the answers. Listening brings so many insights because fatherhood is a journey.

For example, when you go to a new school, you listen to what the teacher says, try to get a feel of the land, feel the school, and listen to the conversations to find out where to go.

In the same breath, as a father, I listen to conversations from maybe families, friends, associates, or my immediate support groups.

I also know that at the end of the day, after I have listened, I make my choices based on whatever insights I want to choose. This is so that I’m not coming from a place of ignorance. I’m making a more informed decision on how I can move forward, make things better, and add to a different foundation than I had before.

Margo:  How has your own childhood influenced your fathering?

Kristofferson: I had a family that sacrificed and worked hard to put food on the table. I appreciate and support it, and I’m grateful for something like that because it shows that self-sacrifice is monumental in relationships, whether it’s with your parents or in intimate relationships. So when I got older and went through the process, I was pulling from these various resources.

I pull resources from my uncle as a father figure or from a friend’s father or other guys I play a ball game with because you can get insights from anybody.

Especially as s father, it’s kind of unfair for anybody to put all the expectations on one person to teach everything because that person doesn’t know everything. Likewise, for mothers, too, it’s good to have a community to pull from different insights and get information.

For me, during childhood, it was just being myself and going into different circles with my friends and their fathers, or their uncles, or their male-dominant figures. I felt comfortable in those households, we shared stories, and I asked questions and it became a habit of being around them.

When I was in high school, my neighbour’s father took me to school every day from First Form to Fifth Form. Can you imagine from First Form to Fifth Form, every morning? I got to have conversations, picked up things, became familiar, and added to these conversations.

On the surface, it may seem like I was just getting a ride to school, but I learned a lot of things on a subconscious level. I learned about discipline, hard work and the sacrifices fathers made for their families.

Now that I am a father, I have to be aware of what I’m doing daily because my child will be emulating or modelling those things not because I’m telling him what to do but because I’m showing him how to be by my actions. You might think that you’re having random conversations, but they pick up what you’re saying, so when they pick up on bad habits and see them with them, it’s like you’re looking in the mirror.

Margo:  What do you think is/are the biggest misconception(s) about Jamaican fathers and what about Jamaican fathers do you want people to know?

Kristofferson: I think that question itself is a troublemaker question, and I will tell you why. In Jamaica, there are pockets of people; that’s why we have the motto, “Out of Many, One People”. We have different cultures within different communities that operate in so many different ways.

On one end of the spectrum, there are pockets of absentee fathers who don’t do anything at all and on the other end, there are fathers who stay at home to take care of the baby and the family while the mother goes to work.

To paint the image that every Jamaican father is bad is unfair and a misrepresentation of what is happening because we have never done a census. We may know what the media carry based on buzzworthy news and their ability to pull drama and anguish from people. They can pull comments and engagement from the public because they want to sell papers, right?  

The narrative should not be “You’re doing your job badly” but should instead be “These are some suggestions.” If you’re trying to chop down an old tree, why not grow a new tree that you know has better roots? It’s like restarting society in a sense; it does not make sense to train an old dog new tricks.

So, if the narrative is true that all Jamaican fathers are trash, the question is, why don’t we start a philosophy to make better fathers? What values are we transmitting to our kids? When they become parents, what results will we see in their kids?

For example, I see my neighbour playing with his son after work every day, looking at the stars with a telescope. I can imagine him using that interest for them to bond together.

Males have their egos and they do things that they don’t want credit for; fatherhood is one of those things. They wouldn’t seek out the chance to so say, “Hey, I want to do that interview,” someone might have to encourage them to share their story, similar to how you have approached me.

I think it boils down to connecting with different communities to find where those fathers are or finding the kids who are progressing and linking back to if they have fathers or not.

Margo: As a new father, have you felt like you needed support? If so, where do you turn to for that support?

Kristofferson: I think support found me initially. In the sense that other fathers extended the invitation to say, “We are fathers here; we know it’s going to be an interesting journey for you; we’ve done this.” So they reached out and extended their hand of advice, support, or thoughts.

With me being a new father, they felt that it was important to recruit me as they figured their support could help me be a better father for the boy or girl that I would be raising.

I think the support is there whether you know it or not. It could be in friends or family, or friends of the family. Sometimes we just need to put away our egos and not be afraid to ask for help.

Margo: Do you think fathers are getting the support they need or do we need to do more as a society to support fathers? If fathers need support, how can we do better as a society to support them?

Kristofferson: I think about the father’s support in my head as building a society. It’s not somebody building it for us. We build it as we go along. We have to navigate as is needed. Whatever you share, it can be used to build a man. For fathers, they need assistance to nurture.  

We can create the environment to do what we want and any environment can have the infrastructure or framework that can be plugged into automatically. It’s similar to the “mommy and me” classes for women and the other resources that are available to a new mother like workshops, apps, websites, and blogs.

The question is, why hasn’t any father pushed that agenda as much? It could be so many factors at play; maybe fathers aren’t interested in that because we have learned certain values that pushed fathers to the household’s financial decisions.

Building up that support infrastructure can be done, for example, when a woman is pregnant and she goes for a doctor’s visit, medical professionals can approach an expectant father to offer resources and support. There are so many opportunities we just have to start it.

If you enjoyed this interview, stay tuned for the next two in this series. Thank you for stopping by and please share and let us think about how we can build up that father support infrastructure.

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