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Raising emotionally intelligent boys: What does it take?
Modern parenting is full of questions and challenges, and one standout episode of Michelle Obama’s IMO podcast, featuring Barack Obama and Craig Robinson, dives into one big question: How do we raise emotionally intelligent, competent boys in today’s world? Drawing from personal experience, research, and thoughtful dialogue, this conversation uncovers practical, encouraging insights for raising emotionally strong, respectful, and supported young men.
1. The Absence of a Father Impacts How We Raise Boys
Barack Obama candidly shares why he believes raising a son would have been a different experience for him: he grew up without a father and feared that that absence left a gap in his knowledge on how he could potentially raise a boy.
He also mentions that the absence of his father meant that he had to look elsewhere for ideas about manhood that were not necessarily good and how those would have influenced him, saying, “Later on as I got older, you start recognising some of the ideas about manhood that was given to us back in the 70s and 80s not all of them were great.”
- Takeaway: It’s okay to admit uncertainty as a parent. Acknowledging your potential biases or unpreparedness can open the door to learning and growth as a parent if you are committed to raising emotionally intelligent boys.
2. The Importance of Emotional Strength and Vulnerability
The Obamas discuss how emotionally intelligent parenting raises emotionally intelligent men. Barack notes that because he was raised by a teenage mother who often spoke to him about her feelings and encouraged him to do the same, he developed an “internal vocabulary” and capacity to share his emotional state and be vulnerable as a man. Meanwhile, Craig mentions that it was not until he became a father that he started having real, emotional conversations with his male friends because growing up, emotions were to be managed and problem-solved. Michelle highlights the important role of emotional honesty and open communication.
- Takeaway: If men are raised to be emotionally intelligent, they will raise their boys to be emotionally intelligent. Showing emotions isn’t a weakness. It builds empathy and resilience. This is the foundation for raising emotionally intelligent boys.
3. Embrace Community and Role Models Beyond the Family
Michelle, Craig, and Barack agree that shaping boys should extend beyond just parents. It requires mentors, coaches, and community figures. They point to the example set by their father and other male role models as essential to healthy masculinity.
Barack also opens up about the impact his gay professor had on him, highlighting the importance of having men from different backgrounds who can positively impact how boys view themselves and others.
He says, “I had a gay professor in college…who became one of my favourite professors and was a great guy and who would call me out when I started saying stuff that was ignorant.”
- Takeaway: Actively seek out mentors and positive influences, through family, school, clubs, church or sport, to support the growth of emotionally intelligent boys.
4. Boys Need Structure
Barack notes that while much focus has rightly gone to supporting girls, boys deserve equal attention and structure. He says that “as a society we have to create more structures for boys and men to have guidance, rituals, frameworks, encouragement…” This is important because boys need to be able to see pathways for themselves that are not limited to just a few options and to be guided by positive influences who can help them navigate life, their identity and their place in this world.
- Takeaway: Encourage conversations, affirm achievements, and provide safe spaces for boys to explore their environments, identities and their place in the world.
5. Raising Emotionally Intelligent Boys and The Arts
The Obamas discuss the idea that boys need exposure to a variety of interests. Michelle notes that boys should not just focus on sports and video games. Barack mentions that sports were a “scaffolding for me to pull myself into manhood”, but that his mother also took him to the theatre and museums to make him a well-rounded man.
For Barack, boys need to be exposed to the arts and encouraged to feel good about their interests in things that are outside of stereotypical male activities.
Stories like “Mary the Fairy and the Stranger from the Moor“ are a great tool for social-emotional learning and can help introduce kindness and inclusivity through gentle rhymes and folklore.
- Takeaway: Providing boys with opportunities and allowing them the freedom to express themselves in different ways is vital for raising emotionally intelligent boys.
Final Thoughts
Raising emotionally intelligent boys today requires more than rules and structure; it calls for emotional awareness, intentional investment, and community support. From this candid podcast, we learn that acknowledging limitations, modelling vulnerability, prioritising role models, and growing alongside our children are the real keys to nurturing emotionally strong, thoughtful young men.
You can watch the entire episode on the IMO podcast with Barack Obama right here.
